i got up at like 5Am to makeallthesegodamnpancakes

finnglas:

finnglas:

I’m going to give you the best piece of Adult Life Is Hard advice I’ve ever learned:

Talk to people when things go to shit.

I don’t just mean get it off your chest, although that’s good. I mean: Something’s wrong with your paycheck/you lost your job/you had unexpected emergency car repairs and now you’re broke so your credit card payment is late. Like, not just 15 days late. We’re talking, shit got crazy and now you’re 90 days late with compounded interest and late fees and the Minimum Payment Due is, like, $390, and you’ve got about $3.90 in your bank account. Call the credit card company. 

I know it’s scary. I know you feel like you’re going to get in trouble, like you’re gong to get yelled at or scolded for not having your life together. But the credit card company isn’t your parents; they’re just interested in getting money from you. And you can’t squeeze blood from a stone or money from someone who doesn’t have any. So what you do is you call them. You explain you’re experiencing temporary financial hardships, and you’re currently unable to bring your account up to date, but you don’t want to just let it get worse. Can you maybe talk to someone about a payment plan so you can work something out? Nine times out of ten you’ll be able to negotiate something so that at least it’s not just taking a constant, giant shit on your credit score.

- Can’t pay your power bill? Call the power company.

- Can’t pay your full rent? Talk to your landlord.

- Had to go to the hospital without insurance and have giant medical bills looming in your place? Call the hospital and ask if they have someone who helps people with financial hardships. Many do.

- Got super sick and missed half a semester of class because flu/pneumonia/auto-immune problems/depressive episode? Talk to your professor. If that doesn’t help, talk to your advisor.

You may not be able to fix everything, but you’ll likely be able to make improvements. At the very least, it’s possible that they have a list of people you can contact to help you with things. (Also, don’t be afraid to google things like, “I can’t pay my power bill [state you live in]” because you’d be surprised at what turns up on Google!) But the thing is, people in these positions gain nothing if you fail. There’s no emotional satisfaction for them if your attempts at having your life together completely bite the dust. In fact, they stand to benefit if things work out for you! And chances are, they’ll be completely happy to take $20 a month from you over getting $0 a month from you, your account will be considered current because you’ve talked to them and made an agreement, you won’t get reported to a collections agency, and your credit score won’t completely tank.

Here’s some helpful tips to keep in mind:

1. Be polite. Don’t demand things; request them. Let me tell you about how customer service people hold your life in their hands and how many extra miles they’ll go for someone who is nice to them.

2. Stick to the facts, and keep them minimal unless asked for them. Chances are they’re not really interested in the details. “We had several family emergencies in a row, and now I’m having trouble making the payments” is better than “Well, two months ago my husband wrecked his bike, and then he had a reaction to the muscle relaxer they gave him, and then our dog swallowed a shoestring and we had to take him to the emergency clinic, and just last week MY car broke down, and now my account’s in the negatives and I don’t know how I’m gonna get it back out.” The person you’re talking to is aware shit happens to everyone; they don’t need the details to prove you’re somehow “worthy” of being helped. They may ask you for details at a certain point if they have to fill out any kind of request form, but let them do that.

3. Ask questions. “Is there anything we can do about X?” “Would it be possible to move my payment date to Y day instead so it’s not coming out of the same paycheck as my rent?” The answer may be “no.” That’s not a failure on your part. But a good customer service person may have an alternate solution. 

Anyway! I hope that helps! Don’t just assume the answer is “no” before you’ve even begun. There is more help out there than you ever imagined.

Hey guys, this is an old post, but it’s still relevant, and I thought I’d re-up it for living in COVID times when a lot of people are losing income. Don’t be afraid to toss that in when you call to ask for help! “I’ve experienced a loss of income due to COVID-19″ is gonna be all you need to say for most places, because wow let me tell you how much this is the case. A lot of places are setting up COVID-19 specific relief policies, so this may be even easier than normal. 

Good luck, stay safe, stay inside if you can, and wash your hands. <3 

(via democraticsenator)

Stagnation

I’ve been here before. The path to self improvement. I’ve done it all before. Desperately I’d like to write about some thing else, be some where else, be some one else. The pressure to get better, to get moving. It’s what keeps me here.

I’m always here. In this state of uncertainty. No matter where I am or what I do, I’m always here. In my head. Never present in the present moment. Always in my head.

I know all the answers and all the things I have to do. But I just dont do them. Why?

I dont even know who I’m writing to. I dont even know if any one reads these.

They’re a way for me to articulate my thoughts and Express myself, but if we’re being honest? They’re a cry for help.

How ever, when some one does reach out, when some one listens and cares, I have absolutely no idea what to do.

If you reading this , who ever you are, were to reach out to me and try to talk to me about all of this, well we wouldnt really get any where.

Youd offer me some advice, youd hear me out, do the best you can, and I’d just nod my head and say “yeah sounds good thank you for hearing me out”

But none of it would register. None of it would have an impact on me. I dont know why.

I’ve listened to people my whole life. My family, my teachers, my friends, employers. I’m good at following orders and conforming.

And I hate that about myself.

Here I fucking go again talking about how I conflict with myself holy shit

I want this to be over, to move on to go on to real problems. But I dont know how.

All I know is that writing this is making me feel anxious because of my deep rooted need to be anything else but boring.

You’re not stupid. You never have been. You’re afraid, you always have been. Belive in yourself

I keep asking people that question lately. I get the same response. An awkward pause, an awkward stare, maybe where they’re wondering if I’m being serious or just being weird. If I’m just bullshitting or asking for ideas.And then I get the same answer.

“Well I dont know, I’d have to think about it.”

And they never ask me what I would do. Because to be fair, if I was in their position I’d want to move away from the conversation too.

So they never ask. And that’s good. Because I wouldn’t know what to say either. I think my last day would be a shit day. A dull day. Where nothing happens. I dont think I’d go out and get blasted, and go see the sights, and do the things I always wanted to do. It would be a day that doesnt promise anything. A day where I dont believe in that stuff any more. Where I dont trust in the promise of tomorrow anymore. Where Hopes and dreams feel like feel like a carrot on a stick. It would be a day like today.

It would be today.

And I said that yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.

It would be today.

And then I go to sleep. And I say the same thing again.

“I could do it. I could do it now.”

“Itll hurt my family but I don’t care anymore. That’s stopped me years, but I cant anymore. I’m tired, I’m tired of living for the sake of other people. Tired of being a house plant. I’m sorry, I’m sorry but it wont be my problem anymore. It wont be my worry anymore. Itll all be gone. Itll all be over. I’ll either sleep for ever, or meet my maker and ask him some fucking questions. Because all I want is to not want anymore. To not be. To not remember. To not fail. To stop the rumination of every failure and every what couldve been. It’s never gotten better. It’s never going to get better. I can’t win. I’m behind every horrible,stupid, cowardly decision I’ve ever made. I’m the problem. My purpose to not fulfill what I want to do. And to defy that purpose would mean to end my life because that’s what I want. I’ve half assed everything. It makes sense this is the only thing I dont half ass. I dont want to go on. I dont want to get my Hopes up again, dream again. Only for me to take it away again. I have to go. I have to go.”

And after thinking all that, I go to sleep. And do it again the next day. And then the shaking stops. I go out side. I look at the sky and feel the warmth of the sunlight as it reflects off the leaves and grass around me. And I feel calm. I’m that part of me with out worries. With out anxieties. The part of me that should be in charge more. I should call him more often. I sit there, and think “I’ll come back here. I’ll be here again”

And then I go back to anxiety, the shaking, the regret, the self loathing, the dread, the doom, I go back to asking “what if today was my last day here?” And how okay I would be if that day was now.

Maybe if it looks like an accident it wont be so bad? But that feels cheated. Because I want people to know. Because part of me wants to hurt others. Maybe that’s why I want to do it? Maybe I want to remembered, and I feel my significance fading away. I see the future, and I see a hasbeen failure, a dude who had potential, and just kind of never did anything about it. A loser. Oh he did what last week? Damn dude, that’s tragic man. He was funny in high school. Sucks, you gotta check up on people some times. Any how, you see the game last night?

That’s my biggest fear. And the easy way to be remembered is to do it now. While people still care. While people still remember seeing me last. Some one else can ruminate for a change. Wonder what they couldve done different, if they couldve helped, or stopped me. Theyll remember me.

Theyll remember with pain. With guilt. With sorrow. Everything I’ve ever felt will be given to them. Theyll wonder what if they never met me. If they could be spared this. Theyll remember my pain, and what couldve been. What I couldve done. The joy I couldve brought.

And then theyll push to forget. To move on. And I’ll be forgotten.

You see the conflict here right? Like I go back and forth lol. Not to the point of being bipolar I think? But a heavy point nonetheless.

Maybe living for other people is just as selfish as dying for yourself. After all, every thing we do is to be remembered. To be loved, and appreciated. Maybe it doesnt have to feel like a burden. Maybe believing in yourself means some thing else besides really wanting some thing.

Maybe I can believe in the me that can do things. Just as much as i belive in the me that wants to ends things. Maybe I can believe myself when I say “I’ll come back here” when I’m sitting in the sun, enjoying the breeze like it’s the first time I’ve ever seen it. Maybe I should hold on to that moment of clarity as much as I hold on to the turbulant and paralyzing feeling of anxiety and depression.

I’m in here somewhere. And if I’m willing to jump off a bridge, then maybe before that I should give inflating my own ego a chance. See what the other guy does when hes at the wheel.

Maybe what I’ll do with my last day here is live it like any other day. Like any other person does. By not knowing when it is, but knowing it’s not gonna be today.

“Pretty fucking depressing for a blog called hands free masturbation”

-Forbes magazine

Throwing in the towel.

I believe that every one, at some point,at some time, will encounter a mental illness. Every one goes through it. Especially the ones who seem like they dont. Those people are fucking freaks.but It happens. Our brains are machines,they’re mechanical things. A lot of tiny moving parts that are bound to break down and act up eventually. But shit, some times the whole thing fizzles out.

I’ve always been very open about my depression and my anxiety. I think every one should be. Theres no shame in it, no one does it on purpose. It’s part of dealing with it. Accepting that its here. And you think that’ll just be the end of it. I’ll learn how to work with or around this, and every thing will be okay.

You manage at first, some hurdles here and there, but you get used to it. And you think that’s how things are gonna be. You think that’s what its like to be mentally ill. That some times you dont feel very good about yourself. But then it hits the fan. Then you break down

You find yourself making decisions you dont agree with, doing things you wouldnt do. You realize you’ve been pacing around your room for hours on end fixated on the same scenario. You do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. And we all know what that means.

It’s scary, it’s a shock. You realize you’re not normal. You’re not quirky, you’re not occasionally down. You cant function. You cant make decisions like a normal person can. You’re broken. You need help. You cant come out to play with the rest of the adults as they get to live meaningful lives. You need help.

It feels like drowning. It feels like it’s your fault. You see everything with a clarity like never before. Your normal life was 5 minutes before this break down. Now its 10 minutes. Now its 15. Now it’s getting further and further away. Now it only exists in your mind. Its loud. Its resonating. What time is it? Am I still here? What’s going on? Everything you’ve worked for to be normal is gone. You cant keep pretending anymore. Now you’re helpless. Now you’ve lost it. Now it’s all gone. It’s the bottom of the barrel.

It’s looking back and not recognizing the person you are any more. Its staring at a page you’ve been trying to type on for hours.knowing you’re in the worst time line possible.

I need help. I need help or I’m going to go. I need help.

Only you can be there for you

I wrote some thing down on a piece of paper and put it next to my bed.

“There is no help, there is no cure, no is coming to help you, no one is coming to save you, no one is going to fix you. There is only you. Only you can fix you. Only you can help you. Only you can become the best version of yourself you can be. Only you”

It’s supposed to be motivational but honestly it makes me feel alone. I’m alone a lot. Alone with myself. That’s why I put a lot of faith in other people. In other people’s perception of me. I dont see any value in myself, so I bring in other people and ask them what they see. Because as much as we can talk about self worth, self love, and self image, it doesnt really mean diddly. We do it for other people. A tree falls in the woods and no ones around to hear it, does it make a sound? Do you really exist if no ones around to remeber you? Do you really matter if people come and go with out a second thought? We value family because they’re the people that are stuck with us. “Well,I gotta talk to them, they’re family.” But even that fades away. People move out, live different lives, make different families. But still, family is family. You have to be there for them.

So it doesnt feel earned. It feels basic. It feels like what you start out with. That’s why friendships are important. Because you feel accomplished when some one sticks around of their own free will. Some one to remember you, and talk about you. It matters to me. Because all we have is memories. All we do now is based off of everything weve lived.

It matters how people remember you. Last impressions mostly. You can ruin a while friend ship with a bad experience. Because that’s how they remember you last. That’s the freshest one. The one they have to go past to get to the good ones. The one that makes people go.

Then you’re alone. You’re back to square one. You’re back with you. And what have you learned? What do you have to come back with? Nothing.

In a way it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You come back with what you leave with. That’s why some people dont care about the memories they leave with people. Its easier to come back to square one when it’s your home.

But I dont think I have a home. I dont really feel at home in my home. I dont feel seen here,or heard. I dont feel like I can be. Maybe that’s why I’m stuck with me? Because I wont let me out. I won’t risk letting me out for the fear that I get shut back in again. So I stay in. I tell myself it’s my choice, I wasnt sent back here,I chose to be here. This is fine. And maybe that’s why I deserve to be here. In this prison of complacency that I built. Because it hurts to be sent back. To come back to the same cold room with what you left. If this is where I end up then this is where I’ll stay.